when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
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He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
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You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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