she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
