Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
