I think I won the penis lottery.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
