he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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