Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize