I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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