having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just gift wrapped bread.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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