Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
