I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
