that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
