Having a random hookup so left but love u
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
