i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
