You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
