Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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