Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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