he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
