the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
