I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just tell him i said nine months
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
