Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
