And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
