Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
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He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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