The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
