You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
