Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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