i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
