I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
