____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
