Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
