Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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