phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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