If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
