smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
