watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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