You can't motorboat a personality
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
