I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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