I met the friendliest cop last night
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
