when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
