I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
