I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
