i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
