To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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