Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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