I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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