Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
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