I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't deserve a penis
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
