well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
