I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
