Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
