I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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