I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
