I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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