My underwear smells like fireworks.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
