i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
