Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Every concussion has its silver lining
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
